Ignatius

Ignatius from travis hawkins on Vimeo.

Real Preachers of Genius

I ran across this video the other day and thought it was funny. While not true in every case, it does have some truth to it.

Extreme Makeover: A Year Following every law the Bible

Here is an interesting article about a guy who spent one year trying to follow every rule in the Bible.

Winning Souls One Burger at a Time

I found a satirical article today that in some ways resonates with the philosophy of our newly formed 3M Club. Men love food and they love eating it even more.

Tominthebox reports:

Goodbye Minister of Education. Goodbye Evangelism Coordinator. The two positions have been replaced by one Culinary Chef at South Fork Baptist Church in West Creek, Mississippi, a mid-sized town north of I-20, just east of Jackson. "The transition was as smooth as chocolate. The chef's salary is a little less than the other two combined," said Mike Johnson, Personnel Committee chairman. Though he himself claims to be agnostic, Henry Thomas, a 2002 graduate of the Culinary Institute of America in San Antonio, appears to have greased the evangelistic pan down in West Creek.

"There's an old adage that goes something like, 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach'. That's our goal. We want to get Jesus into the hearts of people. We're doing it by going through their stomachs," said Tom Bardwell, head deacon. Bardwell went on to discuss how the deacons in the Bible were originally chosen to wait on tables. "At South Fork, we're simply fulfilling our designated Biblical duties. We wait on tables and we feed the hungry."

Princeton Moore, pastor, says "What we are doing is breaking from blind tradition of just telling people to ask Jesus into their heart. We used to get so many suspicious looks. Now, we are showing them with food. The stomach is just another passageway by which Jesus gets to the hearts of people. Women have won husbands in this way for centuries. Isn't it time that we let Jesus start winning hearts through the stomach?"


Things have been going great since South Fork implemented their new "Food Evangelism" program. FE (for short) appears to have replaced the less appetizing EE program of the last century. "Food effects people," said Pastor Moore as he bit into a cross-shaped cookie with red icing. "This cookie is an evangelism miracle. When I hold this cookie in front of a kid and ask him if he wants Jesus in his heart, the answer has never been 'No'. They always say 'Yes'. I saved four kids just this morning using simple cookies just like these. With old programs such as EE, we had to go through a much longer explanation and I'm not so sure the kids were honest as they reluctantly prayed the closing prayer after me. Now I'm sure they're saved because you can see the eagerness on their faces when we use the cookies."

Apparently the food acts merely as a subliminal stimulant, leaving the individual to choose. The cross-cookies are designed to operate below the threshold of consciousness. Yet, the sensations they create are just intense enough to influence mental processes so the children can say "yes" to Jesus on their own.

"I found Jesus just last week in a cute little doughnut," said Dottie Martin, 13, as she straightened her Walk-through-the-Bible Jelly Belly bracelet. "The doughnut hole was heart-shaped. Pastor Moore explained that something was missing in the doughnut. It was my heart. He told me to give my heart to the Lord. He said I should ask Jesus to be Lord of my life. Just like the pamphlet says the Bible says, 'Just ask Jesus into your heart and you'll be saved.' That's what I did as I ate the doughnut."

"This program is not just for kids," said janitor Wesley Richards, who just received a raise with the recent increase in hours spent cleaning the fellowship hall. "The Try Jesus Layer Cake is my favorite." Tominthebox representatives were given a piece of this cake along with a business card explaining the meaning of the layers. The outer dark frosting represents sin. As your utensil cuts through the frosting, you immediately notice the red of the red velvet cake, representing blood. Beneath this red layer is a bottom coating of white frosting representing that cleansing has taken place. "After the first bite, we encourage people to drink water or Blueberry Koolaid to signify baptism," said Moore. "They then wipe their mouth with a green napkin to remind them that they need to grow before scraping the final crumbs from the golden plate clean."

"Unfortunately, there has been some unintended growth," Alexis McDonald, 22, admitted. "When I joined Food Evangelism, I was not exactly thin, but I was healthy and was careful about what I ate. After inviting Jesus to come into my heart last month with the seven layer Lasagna, I've had to get a new larger wardrobe. But, how can I not eat? It's evangelism."

Chef Thomas prefers to do his own designs. "Little Dottie Martin actually tried to garnish one of my meringues with flowers. It grated on my nerves as I saw her place a tulip on the table. I was quite steamed when I told her, 'there is no room for tulips around here.' I'm happy that I simmered down quickly." Fortunately, no one was left battered.

Less Words=More Participation

As a ministry we are always trying to figure out how to do things better. One thing that most worship leaders (or in our case the hippie with the flaming guitar and a anti-Carolina button on his NC State Red guitar strap) are always trying to improve is...worship participation. It can be frustrating to a worship leader when it seems like the words are falling on deaf ears and what is happening is more like a zombie festival than a glorious celebration of our Risen Lord. I've heard the example many times from preachers about how people will get all jacked up for a football game or a NASCAR race, but sit around like a slug on a log in church. So I was very excited when I ran across Brother Slawson's post over on TomintheBox that describes what one church has done to improve worship participation.

Original Post or you can view the post below. (By the way, Yes, it is satirical)

"We've all done it. We've been singing a song with a group, or maybe especially when we are alone, and we simply cannot remember the words. We get stuck. That's what we want to avoid," explained McKinley Grant, Senior Music Minister for Internal Outreach at The Gathering Spot.

This former First Baptist Church of West Baines, Arkansas was once filled hymnals in the racks on the backs of pews. "These books were more commonly referred to as 'song books' or 'hymn books'," said Grant. "I always wondered what those funny racks were on the back of the pews," said 15 year old Iris Johnson standing nearby.

In the later 1990's the church was the first in West Baines to go completely to Power Point presentations. "It was revival," said 22 year old Haley Williams. "You could tell that the PowerPoint brought the Spirit to this very spot." Which may be, in part, why the church voted to change it's name to The Gathering Spot at the turn of the millennium. The name change brought excitement and attendance grew for a while. But, "soon it seemed that attendance became stagnant. That's when I came up with the idea of the repetitive one word song," said Grant. "Quiet simply, the song consists of repeating the same word over and over again to a common tune."

Grant continued, "It all started when we were singing 'Holy, Holy, Holy' off the song screen during one morning service. I noticed vastly different participation throughout the song. There was obviously greater participation during the repetitive 'Holy Holy Holy' parts. When we came to other words and phrases, there was a considerable drop off in the volume. Then it hit me. With less different words in the song, more people will be able to remember the words. It's a simple concept, and it works."

Noah Thornton, 17, testified, "With the new songs, I get it, I finally get it. Before, when the words were constantly whizzing by on the song screen, I couldn't keep up. I never knew how to say most of those bigger church words. But now, after singing 'Sanctification' over and over again, it's obvious to me that these types of songs have helped me grow spiritually. I can now pronounce the word 'sanctification' with confidence."

"Don't worry," said Grant, "it's not all churchy all the time. Most days we begin with a very comfortable ice breaker. For example, this week, we plan to sing the repetitive one word song 'Joy' to the theme of The Flintstones. Now who can't do that? Everyone will participate, and it's a lot of fun. Last week, we opened with 'Faith' to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat. The week before that, it was 'Hope" to the theme from Welcome Back Kotter. Try it yourself. You'll see."

Brother Slawson.

"I'm a little over 415 pounds and proud of it."

TomintheBox reports: Rev. Charles "Chuck" Dewease, pastor of the First Pentecostal Church of Youngston, is not ashamed to tell anyone his weight. "I'm a little over 415 pounds and proud of it." He says.

About ten years ago while reading the book of 1 Timothy, Dewease came under "intense conviction" when he read 1 Timothy 4:8a which says, "For bodily exercise profiteth little." Since that day Dewease has made it a point to avoid any and all manner of exercise, intentionally gaining a tremendous amount of weight to show his "conviction."

"I've never been what you might call a 'small man.'" Said Dewease. "But ten years ago my life changed. It was a liberating and freeing experience when I read that verse in 1 Timothy. I never much cared for diet and exercise, but when I read those words my heart just leaped for joy! I knew that I didn't have to worry about it anymore."


Read the rest of this story and other great satire over at TomintheBox

What happens when you mix the 7 deadly sins?

Well heck I don't know...but this lady (who, by the way, has a very cool blog with tons of this index card humor) came up with a neat graphic on an index card explaining this. Check it out below.

The TV Evangelist Who Sent ME Money: Featured Blog

Ran across this blog over on Frank Lockwood's Bible Belt Blogger. It was interesting enough that it deserves to be our featured blog this week...so read it below. Who knows...maybe a TV evangelist will send you money!
...........
I gave my first donation to a TV evangelist when I was nine years old. The preacher was Rex Humbard of Akron. My tax-deductible contribution totalled 27 cents. I received urgent fund raising appeals for the next three years.

Since then, I’ve seen requests for money from Jimmy Swaggart and Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts and Franklin Graham. But this week, for the first time ever, a TV preacher SENT MONEY TO ME.

Pastor Bob Tilton of Tulsa, Oklahoma mailed me a crisp new $1 bill from the federal reserve bank in Minneapolis along with an upbeat, computer-generated letter.

“I TELL YOU, FRANK, THIS IS YOUR TIME!...Frank, hold this “seed dollar” in your hand as you continue to read the words: “IN GOD WE TRUST.” I sent you this dollar bill as a seed to help you Prime the Pump for the wellspring of blessings that will flow like a river out of you.”

To get those blessings flowing like an Oklahoma oil well, Pastor Bob said I need to take that dollar and mail it back to Tulsa—along with my best gift of $29, $49, $199 or $499.

“Frank, when I receive your answer back, I am going to send you some anointing oil to help you believe God for a continuous miracle. When you receive this anointing oil, anoint your wallet and all your bills as our Point of Contact...for your CONTINUOUS MIRACLE.”

Pastor Bob used to air on television stations across America. But after Prime Time Live aired damning allegations of ministerial misconduct, he faded from the screen. He’s back however (with his third wife and four french poodles) preaching his get-rich-quick spiritual schemes on BET. I caught his show on a recent trip to Arkansas and called the toll-free number. Now, he says, I too can reap financial blessings.

Many TV evangelists seek donations. But Tilton goes after those who are poor and struggling. His letter asks “How much do you need to pay all your debts? Write your answer here: $ _______”

Then it asks, “What is your biggest debt?_______________”

For those scraping by, he writes: “If it’s just impossible for you to give $29 along with this dollar bill, then give the closest thing you have to that and send it...”

It’s a spiritual pyramid scheme. But when Pastor Bob sowed money in my life, I’m afraid it fell among thorns.

Pastor Bob urged me to leave this new seed faith dollar in my Bible overnight and then mail it back to him. But I sowed it in a Herald-Leader soda machine instead (after inspecting it carefully to make sure it wasn’t counterfeit.) Just as Esau threw away his inheritance for a bowl of pottage, I traded my shot at “unlimited blessings, unlimited miracles, unlimited prosperity” for a cold, 65-cent can of Diet Coke. With the remaining 35 cents, I made a down-payment on a Mounds bar.

Pastor Bob, if you’re reading my blog, please SEND MORE MONEY. Don’t be stingy—mail me “YOUR BEST GIFT”—and a copy of your free book Learn How to Pay Your Bills—Supernaturally!

(Yes, he’s really written a book by that title. And yes, he’s offering it for free on his website.)

(Link to original post)

This guy looks a lot like someone I know...

Have you ever seen an elf dance? Click the picture to see what Professor Webb has been doing on the side in order to pay the bills...just think how many kids he's made happy on their annual visit to the mall to see Santa. Doing it for the kids...what a guy!

(sorry Webb, I couldn't resist)

David "the Hoff" Hasselhoff

Well you just never know what kids will show you these days. I had some kids in before school today programming their video games and one of them wanted to show me a music video on Google. Well shortly thereafter I watched the video you are about to watch, and needless to say my childhood hero has let me down. You see, growing up in the 90's as a young boy in a small town, David Hasselhoff was an everyday name, common to all boys my age. He was the star of Knight Rider, driving KITT, his smooth operating black 1982 Trans Am around battling the forces of evil as a lone ranger. But he is most revered for his days on the glorious "Baywatch." As a 12 year old boy it is hard not to look up to a man who is loved by mobs of women and runs around on the beach with the most beautiful women on TV saving peoples lives. A man that stars in a show that has the same plot every single week but you still want to watch it anyway (I wonder if it was CJ and not "the Hoff" that kept us watching). Anyways, enough drama, the Hoff has released this music video "Jump in My Car." Somehow I just don't see the "Hoff" the same anymore, and come to think of it, Baywatch really was a pretty crappy show. Things always seem better when you were a kid. Enjoy the show! (*disclaimer* The views expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect those of The Foundation or its participants and have absolutely nothing to do with ministry.)

John Piper and John MacArthur Release Rap Songs

Haha, well not really, but these are great. You can listen to John Piper's rap rendition of Michael Jackson's "Bad" by clicking here. Indeed, Piper is Bad! Gotta love some Piper.

And not to be outdone you can check out MacArthur's rap by clicking here.

The Great Pumpkin

In light of the Halloween spirit here's and excerpt from Michael Spencer's imaginative piece, " The Great Pumpkin Proposes a Toast."

(The following toast was taped at the 4,231st Halloween Dance and Potluck, held this year in the basement of the Salem, Masachusetts City Hall. The guest toastmaster was The Great Pumpkin, well known advocate of Halloween among children. Those in attendance included a variety of witches, ghosts, fairies, gremlins, mummies, headless horsemen, bats, vampires, werewolves, monsters, members of the Adam's family, the Munsters and, of course, thousands of things that go bump in the night. Cassette's and printed copies of the toast are available at www.thegreatpumpkin.com.)

"Ladies and gentlemen, ghouls and goblins, monsters and monstrosities both real and imaginary: It's truly an honor for me to be with you this evening on what is always a wonderful time of rekindling old friendships and wishing one another well before our big night. Many of us never see our fellow members of the realm of imagination except at this gathering, and it's really wonderful to see all of you again. I especially want to thank this year's President of the Halloween Society, Harry Potter, for all the work he's done this year. What a year, Harry! (Applause.)"....

(continue reading here...)

Colbert Report: Richard Dawkins

I ran across this video the other day of Richard Dawkins, esteemed evolutionary theorist and outspoken atheist, on the Colbert Report. It's kinda funny that even a political comedian can lay the smack down on arguments by those who don't believe in God...it's funny, so watch!!

Is Religion Making Us Fat?

Is religion making us fat? Cathleen Falsani from the Chicago Sun-Times addresses this question in a recent article and gives us some interesting things to think about. Check out this quote from the article:

"he found there were more obese people in states with larger populations of folks claiming a religious affiliation than elsewhere -- particularly in states with the most Baptists."

"If they don't drink and don't smoke, what do they do?

Eat, apparently."

Interesting stuff huh? So basically we have replaced the bad habits of drinking and smoking with the habit of gluttony? Interesting thought. So what about the Baptists who eat, drink and smoke? I guess they are up the creek without a paddle!

I always new casseroles were from the Devil, haha, but you honestly can't beat a good fellowship meal after church. Some of my fondest memories from growing up in church were all the great Homecoming Meals at church and getting to eat Geraldine's famous chicken salad. Gosh, that was soo good. But thinking about this, I actually stayed for a meal after church last Sunday and I remember being told, "Alright Chance we are gonna have to see how much you can eat today?" So maybe this article carries some weight afterall.

I guess before long the new fad in churches won't be Family Life Center's but Atkins Approved Fellowship Meals!

Anyways check out the article in Sun-Times by clicking here

So what ya think, have we just replaced drunkeness with gluttony in the church?

Man Laws for Christians

I came across this the other day on this guy’s blog and I thought it was funny.

Some Man Laws to help avoid those awkward moments with other dudes in church:

1. There shall be no hand holding during prayer. The proper alternative to hand holding is the placement of the hand on the other man's back or shoulder, but in the case of some lapse in mental judgment or sheer desperation, and hand holding becomes the last resort, then a man shall not interlock fingers with another man.

2. When two men feel the need to hug, the Hug-Hit law must be followed. This is where the two men involve themselves in a skillfully choreographed motion that makes the experience last no longer than 3 seconds. This is a careful discipline because there can be no lingering or holding on. This is a seamless motion where the guys' shoulders collide, then the mandatory 2-hits on the back and we're done. This is to say that I am not only hugging you, I am hitting you also.

What you think? Any more Man Laws?